Wishes

I wish I could make you understand what it is I'm going through, but it isn't really that hard to explain. I guess. I'm depressed. Nothing is as it should be, even though everything is fine, sort of. I'm overweight, overwrought, over everything. Nothing is that interesting to me at all, and to hear people gush over it like it was is like nails on a chalkboard.

I wish for a million more wishes. I wish to lose a pound of body fat from not my brain every week for two years or until I'm at 13% body fat, whichever is sooner. Second wish, I want to keep it off for the rest of my life. Third wish, I don't want to lose any random body parts to accomplish this. I don't care if I still have depression at this point, because at least then, people will give a shit about how I feel, and people won't hate to look at me, or at least I won't hate to look at me.

But genies in bottles aren't real, wish granting magical creatures are fiction, and I'll never get to lose the fat that won't go away. The best I can hope for is to lose about 30 pounds, but it won't stay off. I just wish I could have a surgery to remove abdominal fat, or maybe that fecal transplant from a thin person so I can digest food more effectively. But I have no idea how to get into that, and no idea how to find a weight loss doctor who isn't a quack, or even how to do it while I'm completely overwhelmed by my job. While I'm completely overwhelmed by doing 20% of what I'm supposed to do with my life.

Working Myself Up

I can totally see certain parts of the US unravel, especially as other parts of the US get better. I thought that I could be above it all, but now, it is getting to me. I've started to get worried, and I'm talking too much. I'm feeling the tension around me at work, and my own paranoia is being actively stoked by at least one person.

Things keep racing through my mind today, and every day, and I know exactly why. I feel a petulance coming on, and the only things that can stop it are mostly unavailable.

Vindicated by "Several Studies"

I was about to title this post "Exactly What I've Been [fucking] Saying [you goddamn idiots] because I get rather tired of fighting the "hard wired into our biology" vs. "there is shit we can actually DO to prevent and change this" and yes, the importance of time of year in our development arguments to people that refuse to admit that ::gasp:: present evidence just might be overlooking some factors that will probably be proven later on. Guess what, readers, I keep seeing new information to validate my side of the argument.

I should let you on to the fact that I have been to the dentist, work, doctor, and pharmacist today. At the dentist, I wasn't prepared to have half my face numbed, so my day started out stressful. I didn't want to go into work, but my boss needed something urgently, which caused a great deal of anger that didn't really dissipate for a few hours after I finished the assignment. The doctor was ok, but I had to fill in my "gender" on the intake, which I crossed off and wrote sex. Sometimes, I wish that I never knew that gender wasn't necessarily biological, or I wish that I had more patience when other people keep doing and saying things that I have realized just don't make sense/aren't true, but I don't. Then, at the pharmacist, I discovered how great our health care system is another time. Apparently, corporate bureaucrats know better than my doctor and have determined that I can only have 1 of my prescribed 2 pills per day. Don't we live in a great country. My only respite so far was the article I linked, which refreshingly referred to a generic human without the male pronoun.

And so, I end my ranty post, and oh yeah, I doubt you're the idiots to which I refer. You might be, but you are probably aware that I already think you're an idiot. I'm stressed and therefore more abrasive.

Who Gets to Talk to the Imaginary Friend?

Everyone is pissed off about Rick Warren. Well, at least everyone with a basic understanding of discrimination, hate speech, and human rights. A guy on the Jim Lehrer News Hour compared Warren's appearance before the innaguration and a more liberal preacher giving the Benediction later with having an anti-semite in Warren's place and expecting to smooth it over by having a rabbi speak at the end.

But people HATE comparisons like that when talking about anything relating to gender and breaking outdated roles built for XX or XY people. Comparing gay people with Jews? How can you compare homophobia with the Holocaust? Oh... wait... homosexuals were rounded up then too...

Homosexual people and women who want to control when and how often they will or won't become pregnant are still expected to take this as "tolerance". When someone's politics don't directly affect my life, then I will tolerate them. However this guy wants to tell me how to live and interfere with my ability to be a productive and happy citizen, so sorry, no tolerance here.

8:30pm Update: As bad as this is, it is five minutes. The more we focus on this, the less we focus on the new regulation to make it more complicated and, in some places, impossible for people to get abortions, emergency contraception, normal birth control methods, or really make any decisions about one's own body without some doctor, pharmacist, nurse, assistant, or janitor slut-shaming and denying what could be a life-saving service. Even a month of that is enough to fuck up a lot of people. In my case, I get to spend my vacation grilling prospective pharmacies about whether or not they will fill my prescriptions, saying nothing about finding doctors. (my new and better insurance kicks in on January 1 - so long, Kaiser!) Hooray for stress that I don't need.

Don't Ride the Line

Like most people that sometimes drive a car, bike riders scare me. Not because they would hurt me, physically, if we collided, but because if I hit them, well, I'll get the book thrown at me. That is why I'm happy that California has lots of designated and spacious bike lanes. But this morning, as I drove to work, I had to drive around a biker that decided that he didn't need to use the interior of the bike lane, but instead had to ride the white line. I understand that sometimes the bike lane itself has a lot of debris, but this was not the case, as far as I could see.

I hate to be "one of those" drivers, but jeez, please don't be "one of those" bikers either. Don't ride the line, stay in your lane.

Instant Excitement

Do you have a PDA that receives email? Do you get many emails per day? Set your PDA to vibrate or make a noise when you receive an email. Set the PDA on a table near you and wait for the excitement and/or heart attack to ensue. Maybe I'm just stressed out, idk.