Intolerant Vengeance

I am intolerant, I am angry, I have a thirst for vengeance. When a random person dies because someone has a Rambo complex, all of my compassion for the victims of our draconian criminal "justice" system goes out the door. When bloated, moronic thugs think that violence against protesters is warranted or even funny, I begin imagining the cruel things I'd like to do to them, and it is usually exactly what they are doing. I have no sympathy for Johannes Mehserle, though his show of remorse puts him above George Zimmerman. Both killed someone who did nothing to deserve it, who were trying to build successful lives, who were not threatening anyone.

I am disgusted by the Zimmerman defenders on Facebook today. Disgusted with their inability to grasp that no matter what Trayvon did in his life, he did not deserve to die. I am disgusted with their parroting of the uncorroborated story that Zimmerman told and changed over the ensuing months. To them, it is not good enough that a child is dead, that parents are mourning, and that the person that did it is free. I don't know what would be good enough for them. To me, they are without empathy, without compassion, without character. They will cry up and down that they are not racist, and that I am the one bringing race into the situation, but one cannot bring race into any situation in America, because it is already there.

Race and racism are inextricably intertwined, knotted, in the American story. Race and racism are the American story. You cannot tell the story of the early colonies without telling the story of the conflict between those with slaves and those without. You cannot explain the industrial revolution without examining the textile industry and it's roots in the cotton plantations of the south. Race is in everything we do in this country, it is present in every part of our society, and racism is a part of every single person here. It doesn't matter if you're white or not, it doesn't even matter if you have been a victim of racially based prejudice. If you are an American, it is not a question of "are you racist," but rather a question of "how racist are you?"

From that end, it is important to understand how we perceive race and how we act on it. If all you can do when you hear this is think "well, I have friends who are black, I can't be racist," I assure you that you most certainly are. If you never question your thoughts as you walk down the street and see black people walking towards you, you're probably crossing the street to avoid them. You're condescending to them at work and left wondering why they are getting testy with you. Like the addict who has to admit to the problem before being able to solve it, you have to see your own racism before you can consider rising above it.

I contemplated my own racism this week and it bothers me. I see names from certain cultures associated with projects at work that I would like to be doing and I become jealous and irritated. I assume they are in the position because they are cheaper labor, or because of something else, I don't know what. That bothers me and I am bothered by the bothering, and I'm not sure I will ever be able to control those thoughts. The important thing is that I am aware of them, and aware that they are unjustified and racist, and now I can see if my behavior changes because of them.

But the Zimmerman defenders will not do this. They will swear up and down that they are not racist in the least for this reason or another. They will pedantically bring up the idiotic notion that because Zimmerman wasn't completely white, that he somehow can't be racist. Then tell you that Zimmerman had a "right" to "defend himself" while ignoring the fact that he initiated the conflict in the first place. They can't be bothered to think that maybe Martin should have the same ability to defend himself from a stranger following him. The next step is to ask why the kid didn't call 911, to which I wonder if it is good enough that the boy paid for that mistake with his life.

Mehserle got away with murder, but he had remorse. I have enough reason to believe that he will be haunted by his actions for the rest of his life, but I have no reason to think Zimmerman is anything but pleased with what happened. He strikes me as a sociopath that I can't even bear to look at. He projected his own sociopathy onto a random person walking down the street. A person that fit a profile, one that he probably doesn't realize was racist, and just as the BART cops escalated the situation at Fruitvale because of their own unexamined racial anxieties, Zimmerman pursued an honor student coming back from a store with snacks. He didn't bother to talk to him and ask what he was up to; he followed him like a stalker, ensuring that the boy would be afraid and on the defensive.

My anger at this Zimmerman is overwhelming. The things I wish on him are best left unrecorded. That I am open about that is probably ammunition to the Zimmerman defenders - "hey, look, she just wants to see bad things happen to him, she's bad" - but I don't care. I'm human and I have human anger about the death of a promising 17-year-old boy. I'm angry about all of the promising young men who are cut down, and I'm angry at all of the young people who live in environments that don't allow them to be promising, like mine allowed me. I have this thirst for vengeance, and an intolerance for those who would not sympathize.